Anonymous #4 - After Anderson, Walkman, Buttholes Lyrics

        Now, you wanna talk about bladder problems, then the 
        man you wanna talk to will probably be my cousin 
        Earl.  I guess you all know Earl; he lives out on 
        Route 13 out on that maggot farm.  Earl don't like 
        it when you get his maggot farm confused with a worm 
        farm.  A worm farm is for worms, and a maggot farm 
        is for maggots, and Earl's got the biggest maggots 
        in the state.  Three feet long.  Of course, now Earl 
        pleads this might be due to the fact that St. 
        Smithen's Medical Facility has been dumping their 
        waste on his property.  Interesting thing about 
        three-foot maggots in that...that, well, one day 
        China disappeared, and the next day his television 
        disappeared, and a few days after that, his '57 
        Chevy disappeared.  But there they are:  the world's 
        biggest maggots.

        Anyway, one day, Earl and I were standin' in the 
        kitchen, giant maggots crawlin' across the floor, 
        and Earl turns to me, and he says, "Do you ever go 
        to make a pork sausage, and find that it's got hairs 
        all over it?" and he gives me a look that still 
        chills me to this day.
        
        Now, Earl's got a son, and they call him Earl 
        Junior, which I think is pretty clever, since he is 
        Earl's son.  He's not really a normal boy, ever 
        since that tractor accident.  Anyway, he ran up 
        $5,000 in "976-" phone bills.  He called weird, 
        unnatural numbers, like "976-PIGG" with two G's, and 
        "976-SHEEP", which has five letters in it, I know.  
        He's a sick boy.  Earl suggested that, well, maybe I 
        talk to him.  So I went into his bedroom, and I sat 
        him down, but before I could say a word, Earl Junior 
        looked at me, and he said, "Didja ever go to make a 
        pork sausage, and find it's got hairs all over it?"  
        And he gave me a look that still chills me to this 
        day.

        Now, Earl's got a daughter, and they call her Effie-
        Sue.  And Effie-Sue, she don't look so much like a 
        little girl, as she looks like a...a big pile of 
        fungus.  Earl blames this, too, on the fact that St. 
        Smithen's Medical Facility has been dumping on his 
        maggot farm.  Yeah, I never had much contact with 
        Essie...Effie-Sue.  Excuse me, I don't even think 
        that much of her to get her name right.  I never had 
        much contact with her.  She just normaally just sits 
        on the couch like a little ball of fungus and just
        ...boils away.  Well, one day, she looked at me, and 
        that little ball of fungus opened its mouth (or what 
        I guess was its mouth - I'd hate to think what else 
        it could be), and out of that orifice floated the 
        words, "Didja ever go to make a...a pork sausage and 
        find it's got hair all over it?", and then that...
        that little ball of fungus gave me a look that 
        chills me to this day.

        Now, Earl's got a wife, and we call her...Wife.  We 
        don't know her name, because she's never really said 
        that much.  For the longest time, we thought she 
        could only say two words, which were "dog" and 
        "pussy".  We thought that meant "dog" and "cat", but 
        then we found out that what she was really trying to 
        say was "dog-pussy", one big hyphenated word, which 
        doesn't come up much in conversation, especially 
        amongst Baptists.  We never heard her say anything 
        other than that.  You know, she works down at...at 
        St. Smithen's Medical Facility and Pork Sausage 
        Distillery, got a good-paying job there, although 
        she only does say those...well that one word.  And 
        we have heard her say another thing once, but that 
        was a long time ago.  We were sittin' around the 
        house, and she looked at me, and she said, "Do you 
        ever go to make a pork sausage, and find that it's 
        got hairs growin' all over it?", and she gave me a 
        look that chills me to this day.

        Now, one day, Earl took his whole family fishin' 
        down in Miller's Creek.  He took his wife, who could 
        only say "dog-pussy"; he took his son, Earl Junior, 
        who took the day off from calling "976-" barnyard 
        numbers; and he took that little...that little ball 
        of fungus daughter, Effie-Sue, of his along with 
        him.  They all got in a little boat and they started 
        fishing.  Now St. Smithen's Medical Facility and 
        Pork Sausage Distillery has been known to dump their 
        stuff into Miller's Creek.  All sorts of heinous 
        stuff, big barrels floatin' in the creek, with 
        little things on them that say "St. Smithen's 
        Medical Facility and Pork Sausage Distillery".  
        Anyway, Earl was fishing, and he caught a wall-eyed 
        bass, which had twenty-seven eyes on it.  It was a 
        twenty-seven-eyed wall-eyed bass.  Earl looked at 
        it, and decided, "Mmmm, wouldn't this be good to 
        eat!"  So he took out his knife to cut it open.  
        But that fish looked up at him, and it said, 
        "Please, mister!  Please, don't eat me!"  And Earl 
        said, "But I'm hungry!  I'm hungry!  I work on a 
        maggot farm!  My wife can only say 'dog-pussy'!  My 
        daughter is a pile of fungus!  My son spent all his 
        college money calling '976-' numbers!  I have to eat 
        you!"  And that fish said, "Please, don't eat me, 
        mister, please!"  And he said, "I have to!  I have 
        to!"  So the fish said, "Alright then, if you're 
        gonna to cut me open, let me ask you one question:  
        Didja ever go to eat a pork sausage and find that 
        it's got hairs growin' all over it?"  And then, all 
        twenty-seven eyes stared back at Earl, and they 
        stared back at his wife who could only say "dog-
        pussy", and they stared back at his weird "976-" 
        animal-calling son, and they stared back at that...
        little pile of pus that passes for Earl's daughter.  
        And they gave them a look!  All twenty-seven eyes 
        gave them a look!  A look that they would not forget 
        until this very day!

        Oh, man!